[ The names in this story are true only the innocence has been changed to protect my ratings ] THE BIG CON The sun popped up like a flag from a butterball turkey, announcing it was time to carve up the new day. I swung my legs over the side of the bed and abruptly remembered I was sleeping on a futon. The clock on the wall said it was late. To late to beat the crowds to the golden pheasent. No matter, I'd duck into the local diner for a quick breakfast. I took a hot shower then dressed in jeans and a pullover shirt. My favorite pair of old tennis shoes were behind the door looking like dogs of war. When it comes to clothing, comfort is my only concern. I can dress as flashy as the best of them when the occasion warrents it but mostly I lean towards function. If I can't do a full stretch kick in a pair of pants forget it. I left the front door with a construction brick propped against it to hold it shut and took off down the street. Walking is one of my great joys in life. When I'm on the street I can see, hear and smell everything. The rythem of walking seeps through my whole system until I feel like a finely honed piece of machinery. It was a nice spring day. The sun was bright in the sky but the wind still held an edge of winters knife. I stopped in front of the diner to get a paper. The local rag is more of a pamphlet then anything else. After throwing away the ads and inserts you're lucky to have ten pages left and even thats a far cry from hard news. Still, I have to read the comics somewhere and the editorial section is often fairly amuseing. Inside the diner, I'm rewarded with a familiar scene of nubile young waitresses in short skirts on roller skates. The diner is a real showplace of manic ingenuity. Songs of the fifties drone on without mercy from a beat up old jukebox up front. Most of the booths have little baby jukeboxes mounted just above the tables. The whole scene is straight out of memory lane. The clientele of mostly old hippie burnouts cling precariously to strong cups of coffee. The interior is art deco gone wild. There is an unusual collection of paintings, featuring high gloss babes in excessive makeup posed to maximize my hormone imbalance. In the corner are a couple of manikins all dressed up like locals. They offer some of the most intelligent conversation in the place, featuring the wisdom of restraint. The food is good and the coffee plentiful. In the background Elvis is singing love me tender. I turn past the dregs of the local news to read the classifieds. There is the usual weary stuff in the personals. Astrologers pedaling their wares. Rolfers and Massage therapists are scattered among ads from lonely hearts. There is some new age flake who will read your aura and recommend a crystal to balance out your karma. This wouldn't be so outlandish if quartz crystals weren't considered the panacea for all the worlds ills. Quartz is made of silicon dioxide, one of the most abundant minerals on earth. If the vibrations coming from quartz are so powerful then we should have restored eden long ago just from background vibes. As for karma, I believe in it. I just have a hard time swallowing the idea that it can be fixed so easily, like some ajustment on your car. Don't get me wrong. I'm a true blue beliver. I've done the rounds in the spiritual game. I've read the worlds great religious teachings. I've been "into" american indian lore. I've read "The teachings of Don Juan" and even tried zen and yoga. I've been there. Do you want miracles, no sweat. Miracles abound in my life, and I'm not just talking your cheap metaphor of "Every flower is a miracle" stuff you can get that at any average church sermon. No, I'm talking fire in the sky, circular rainbows and thirty foot virgin marys. I don't know why I see this stuff. Hell I'm not even catholic. Maybe it was all those drugs I took in my youth, Who can tell. The point is I have nothing against the more ethereal aspects of life. I just know a good con when I see it. The subliminal tape business is the most amazing marketing ploy of all. They have finaly found a way to make you pay for what you don't get. This must be the final phase of the less is more mentality. Maybe I should start a line of self help tapes that are completely blank, eliminating that annoying music. I could call the company "Crystal Clear", that ought to go over big. I suppose its only natural to expect this kind of new age spiritulism to come into style every now and then. It did back at the turn of the century when there were a lot of mediums at large. True spiritual inspiration is a reality but qualified teachers are pretty rare. You'd never guess that from the apparently endless array of new age hucksters and snake oil salesmen. You can hardly blame them for taking the easy money in this society. I'll bet over half the people in america think that a value system is some kind of method for winning at black jack. A little further down the page I checked out the help wanted section. The want ads have always afforded me a strange little fantasy. The unlikely but dreamed of possibility that one day someone would actualy hire me because of my own special talents. All to often the employee feels they must reshape themselves to fit the corperate mold. I too have felt the twinge now and then to change my ways, my look or my act but it always passes. I've managed to avoid rushing headlong down that narrow track because that odd little misshapen rabbit stuck way out there in front just doesn't look appealing to me. One ad caught my eye, it read: "Wanted renaisance man age 30-35, good looking, creative,intelligent with good martial skills. Needs exceptional sensitivity and pattern recognision. Must see through obscuring appearances to the heart of a problem. Rough and ready candidate must be willing to relocate and slay dragons. Salary commensurate with experience. call 777-7777 " Something about this particular ad disturbed me so I read it again. Sure enough one striking feature stood out that set this one apart from the all the others. They misspelled renaissance. Well nothing steams me like the missuse of the queens english. I decided right then and there to give them a call and set them back on track. The jukebox was playing Rickey nelsons "Bee Bop Baby" as I saundered up to the pay phone. The lady who answered the phone sounded like any other hundred buracrats I've dealt with. She wasn't the slightest bit interested in how the ad was spelled. In fact it turned out she was from a job referal agency anyway. Before I knew it she had me signed up for an interview. Oh what the hell, you only live once per incarnation and you've got to reach for all the Gestalt you can get. My appointment was for midnight on the same day as the call. What a spot of luck to get one so quick. Still I couldn't shake this funny feeling that something was in the air. "Midnight, Damn, it must be shift work". Late that evening I hoofed it to my destination all the way up Mapleton avenue. The house was a splendid old victorian mansion of almost biblical proportions. I walked up the dark front walk and wondered why there were no porch lights on to welcome me. On the front door was a huge old bronze knocker with the face of a gargoyle. It took both hands to lift that baby and when I let it drop it sounded like a refrigerator had fallen over on its side. I half expected some grotesque dwarf to come, complete with a lit candle and a hunched back. After a short wait a beautiful young woman answered the door and let me in. The room was decorated in middle eastern style like something from the tales of the arabian nights. The carpets alone must have cost a fortune. The whole place was brightly lit, which seemed odd since I couldn't remember seeing any light from outside. The woman was about five foot eight inches tall with long black hair down to her waist. Her eyes were as dark as her hair, twin pools of sexy invitation. This woman was a vision. Her body was as full as a smorgasboard under a harvest moon. When she smiled I felt giddy like a school boy. She looked Like the hindu goddess "Paravati" plucked from my own fantasy. I fought hard to think of her as a business associate, a person, a mind, but my body had hard thoughts of it's own. "Welcome to Henly house Mister Long, I'm Tara". The voice did not quite fit the face. This was no local, her thick accent was a dead give away. My body was shaking just from being so close to this extrordinary creature. My brains felt like they had just spilled out on the floor. I knew if I spoke I would probably drool but it was inevitable. "Uh hi, excuse me for saying this but I feel like my limbs are about to fall off. Most of them anyway. I just have to tell you. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen". "Oh go on mister long. I'm sure you've seen better". "Not in this lifetime lady". She smiled sweetly as if this was some suprise, though I'm sure she caused traffic accidents where ever she went. My voice sounded like someone had kicked me in the pipes. My heart was lodged in my throat with weekend reservations. I struggled to get a hold of myself but I really wanted to get a hold of her. Why in those moments of crucial first impression do I always end up acting like the ultimate geek. After making a complete ass of myself, I followed her into the next room. She made a sweeping gesture with her hand toward a bright mirrored feature against the back wall. It was about six foot tall and four foot wide with an arch at the top. Purple quartz stones were set all along the outer rim. The stones were reverse lit so that It looked like a cross between a crystal cave and a vanity mirror. My immediate reaction was to escape. "Oh no" I thought "Must be a bunch of new age airheads". I couldn't move however, my body was frozen. Well at least strategic parts of it were frozen. At that moment I saw the light. I was ready to be a new age convert. I'd announce the public declaration of my faith. I'd read "Shirley Maclane". I'd cover my whole body with crystals. If only this gorgeous babe would consent to major gymnastics. "Well this is it" she said, as if that meant anything. "This is what?" "The job of course." I decided to play along. She may be brain dead, but the rest of her was perfect. "Ok what do I do". She caught my eye with a hungry look and leaned forward slightly. Her breasts swung forward against the silk fabric of her blouse and she moistened her lips for added effect. "Just follow me Mr Long." She turned to the giant new age vanity mirror and walked towards it letting me see a view of her I had not yet appreciated. When she got to the mirror she slowly passed right through it. Her fine round cheeks seemed to pause on the threshhold inviting me, Then she was gone. I hesitated on the brink. Maybe I was coming to my senses now that she wasn't in the room. The power of her conciderable charms had gotten under my skin. My whole body was tingling with desire. I stared at the threshold she had crossed. My mind was spinning at 3600 RPM. My better sense told me to cut and run, while I still could but my ego countered with characteristic false bravado. "What the hell is that thing. Ah, Its probably just some special effects trick to wow the locals. Nothing for an old pro like me to worry about." I didn't quite believe what my mouth was saying. Then with a slow methodical precision my highly trained instincts took over. Like the needle of a compass turning towards true north, I followed my gonads. On the other side of the portal stood "Tara" looking better than ever. The light was a little strange here like just before a thunder storm. The scene that streched out before us seemed ordinary enough. It could have been any rural country lane in the world. If this was the world. There was no sign of any door back the way we came. That funny feeling of mine was back in a big way. I'd done plenty of dumb stuff before but I knew this time it was different. This time it was major craziness. "For a second there I thought you weren't coming." She flashed a knowing grin that seemed to understand the true nature of my courage. "Come on" she turned again with a toss of her midnight hair and set off down the lane. My compass swung true and followed her. What else was there to do? The walk did me good. It calmed my nerves and quieted my heart. The irresistable pull of her was a thing of wonder. I might as well have been dragged the whole way. Except of course for the ridiculous grin on my face. Before long we came to an area of small hills. There was a low lying lake in their midst with a pine forest all around. We marched around the lake with impressive speed. This woman could really move. I marveled at the sure footed grace of her. There is nothing quite like a simple, healthy country lass. She was healthy allright but I couldn't guess which country and simple didn't seem to fit this situation at all. On the far side of the lake lay a broken down path leading off into the forest. After a short way we came to a major clearing. There were quite a few rock piles scattered about. Some of the mounds went up as high as twenty feet. There was a thick mist in the air like the kind you see around glaciers but it wasn't at all cold. "Well this is it Dave. This is as far as I go". "You've got to be kidding". Beautiful or not this one was a lunatic. "Look lady I followed you here under pretty bizzare circumstances. The least you can do is tell me what the hell is going on. You know, spell it out for me." There was that dangerous grin of hers again. She walked over to a big pile of rocks and climbed up to the top. As I came after her she pointed off in the distance towards what seemed to be the heaviest area of mist. "Right over there. See that funny looking pile of boulders". I peered down her arm at some far object. "You mean that one that looks kind of like a crumpled dragon. Yeah I see them". "Well thats it" she said "Thats your dragon". I shook my head in disbelief, dazed by the immpossibility of my situation. As my eyes adjusted to the distance a clear outline began to emerge that made the hairs on the back of neck stand straight up. A dragon, an honest to god dragon. I don't know why I see this stuff, I'm not even catholic. I began to mutter incoherantly. Evidently the madness of this episode had begun to slowly wear on me. I was ready to check in to the basket factory, first chance I got. She came up close and wrapped her arms around me. Her breasts pushed against me as she kissed me full on the lips. "It's just a small dragon Dave, Do it for me". My mouth must have dropped open but I don't remember exactly. I began to stumble off in the general direction of her pointing. Tara stood and watched me go for a little while before she called after me. "See you in a bit I'm going back to the lake to wash up". Nothing would supprise me now. There I was god knows where, doing god knows what, for a goddess. At least she seemed a goddess. That was the only reasonable explaination for what was happening. My definition of reason must have become temporarily defective because I began to walk with a real purpose towards my goal. As I neared the lizard of legend, I hid behind rocks and trees. I had to get as much information about my enemy as I could. That was one of "Sun Tzu's" great principles from his classic treatise "The art of war". To be assured of a victory my stratagy would need to be supreme. I would follow the ways of the master then strike without warning like an angel of sudden death. Within about fifty yards of the beast was a large pile of boulders. I crept carefuly, stopping often to listen and check the wind. You only get one chance for a suprise attack. From my vantage point behind the pile I could see him in great detail. Suprise is hardly the word for what I felt, I was flabbergasted. There before me lay the legendary bane of the bold though his former glory seemed to have fled him long ago. The poor old reptile was fast asleep. Surely this pile of scales was on his last legs. He was skinny as hell and seemed to be blind in one damaged eye. I wondered what he'd been eating lately, rabbits?. No, he didn't look like he could catch a rabbit. He must have resorted to eating plants and bugs and stuff. When I stopped to consider my mission in this affair I felt pretty queasy. There was no way I was going to sneak up on some pitiful old geizer an bury him in his sleep, no sir. This was not for me. There were certain standards of honor I had to uphold. If I did this I'd never be ever to hold my head up again. I started the trek back to the lake. This time I didn't bother to be quiet, he was probably deaf too. I found her sitting on a rock by the lake sunning herself. As I got closer the bad feeling came back. The woman on the rock looked nothing like the one that had led me here. At first I thought it was someone else but she seemed to be wearing the same clothing as before. "What is it, whats the matter with you. Why are you staring at me that way?" "Oh nothing really, You just look different thats all." I nearly choked but I had better manners than to say anything else. Sitting there on the rock was a tall boney woman with a severe face drawn up into a scowl. She looked at least ten years older than the saucey young woman that I had lusted for. She wasn't exactly a hag but by comparison with her former self she might have been. What ever divine airs had inflated her earlier must have leaked out since I had last seen her. "What the hell happened!" I demanded. Wondering what was next. "Oh nothing, I washed up in the lake. You've just never seen me with my makeup off. Besides, The light here isn't very flattering". Well I meant to be polite but frankly, flood lamps wouldn't have helped her one bit. If I could sell makeup that good back in the states, I could pay off the national debt in three weeks. My eyes and homones refused to believe it was the same woman but my mind as usual betrayed us and played along. "Well how'd it go with the regal terror? "I didn't hear anything." I paused a moment for emphasis then spoke in a loud and condesending tone. "Thats because I didn't do anything! And I'm not going to do anything either. Its just not my idea of noble combat, not by a long shot. Why you thought to drag me out here to finish off some ancient wreck I'll never know. If that helpless, withered old codger has half a pulse I'd be suprised." An impatient look began to cloud her face, the mouth that had promised so much began to wrinkle up into a small tortured clot. "So you chickened out!" she spat out the words like rat poison. "I should have guessed you'd lose your nerve. Why couldn't I have found a real man." "Give me a break lady. That pitiful excuse for a newt would have trouble fending off a covey of quail. You could waste him yourself without any trouble. Surely you know what a fair fight is. What was I supposed to do smother him in his sleep". "That part was up to you. Your supposed to be the expert. Do I have to do everything?" "Look, you got youself the wrong guy. Why don't you just show me the door and get me the hell out of here". Her jaw set and she narrowed her eyes to slits. The light began to dim and I felt a rumbling in the pit of my stomach. All around me objects began to whirl and jump. Her cold eyes stared into mine until I felt her anger like a stabbing pain in my gut. The darkness closed in like a great storm stealing away the light. The scene rippled like heat waves leaving everything a blur. I figured I must have been having one hell of a flash back so I sat down and pulled my knees up to my chest. The bad feeling had come to stay. This was the stuff nightmares are made of. I was being swepped away to some unknown destination, helpless before a crazed woman who held me in contempt. My head was throbbing when the noise began to die down. I felt a little sick to my stomach. My eyes were held tightly shut to keep out the nasties. I opened them just a little to adjust them to the bright lights. My vision started to clear and I saw where I was. The judge spoke with a certain annoyance. It took me a second to see where I was and realize he was talking to me. "Uh, could you repeat the question" I didn't know if he was real but I wasn't taking any chances. "Mr Long do you understand the terms of the divorse agreement." A shock wave hit me. My eyes searched the court room until I found her. There she was seated accross the room staring me down with those icicle eyes. There must have been a draft because I felt quite a chill run up my spine. "There must be some mistake your honor. I'm not married to this woman. Hell, I never ever got laid." The judge was fast losing his patience with me. "Thats enough Mr Long, if you can't be cooperative then be still." A moment later Tara's lawyer approached the bench and confered with the judge. After a pause the judge spoke again. "Mister Long, the petitioning counsel has assured me that you were given all due consideration in regards to conjugal visitation." What he was tring to say in his judicial jargon was that I had been screwed and he was right. I had fallen for the big con like tons of poor bastards before me. I had followed the gossamer dream to the big fairy castle in the sky, only to end up cold and alone. I tried to explain to the judge. I told my haunting story of self denial and noble action. I recounted my quest for truth. With rare elegance I wove the tale of bravery and betrail. I stood there ready for justice like some fabled hero out of time. He didn't buy it. In the end I sat there helpless and watched it all come down. Tara got everything she wanted, with an option on anything she might want later. All I got was my favorite old pair of tennis shoes and my self respect. B.E.